Indie Kid's Guide to Melbourne

Since i moved to Melbourne by myself 3 years ago, barely a month has gone by where an interstate friend or band hasnt rocked up on my doorstep and asked me to show them the town. They might be here for 3 days or 2 weeks but expect me to take them to the coolest haunts, go on shopping expeditions all day and go bar hopping every night. After my last visit i decided ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! as i ended up embarking on a 6 day bender which ended by vomiting in the middle of the main st then watched in horror when pigeons flew down to eat it, only to see guts get added to the mix when a tram ran over the poor thing. My vomit was that pigeons last meal. After this fond memory i now pretend im not home and created an 'indie kids guide to melbourne' that i slide under the door and hope they go away.






MONDAY - Public Bar . (opposite queen vic food markets in north melbounre) iconic rocknroll pub that sells $1 pots and was the birthplace of 67 special.

TUESDAY -Eurotrash- (corrs lane chinatown) if you want to experience the best indie nightlife Melbourne has to offer you better not be sitting in your hotel room (or crashing on my couch) on Tuesday. Not only is it free entry and all drinks under $5 before midnight there are three levels to run amok in. The top level has pooltables, a bathtub full of goonbags, you can lay on fur skin rugs and make up subtitles to dodgy 70's kungfu movies shown on the walls. The second level has the largest dancefloor and Australias' answer to girl talk -DJ Mugen is often behind the decks, there also a padded wall corridor (woo insane assylum! )that takes you out to the smoking stairway courtyard with more bars. On the first level not only are there hair straighteners in the bathrooms and arcade games inside put there is an arabian nights porn room (yes you heard right) and my favourite djs the sweethearts are responisble for the funnest night out you will have in ages with their captain planet vs the rapture or ninja turles vs bloc party mash ups.

WEDNESDAY - is generaly a quiet night, but if you want to be surrounded by luxury, sit in velvet and gold encrusted private booths sipping cocktails and dont mind abit of taxidermy (an emu in pearls greets you at the door and inbetween the palmtrees there is a girafe with a top hat) head to the CARLTON CLUB for 'homeless'(193 burke st cbd). the well dressed bums from local band the last gypsys 'play the tracks they listen to in their cardboard abodes' plus if there is an international act in town they will most likely be hanging out here. ive rubbed sholders with death cab, klaxons,brian jonestown masacre,the horrors, black rebel motorcycle club, the wombats, kasabian and muse.


THURSDAY - I would recomend going to the mother of all indie discos -POGO (corner of flinders ln and geddes ln $7 on a list) if you like starting your night watching the latest underground bands then dancing till dawn on light up dancefloors and getting lost in ballpits.

3rd class (duckboard pl-old honkytonks) is quite popular with the cool kids who have a fondness for electro suppied to them from miami horror & tranter. It is worth going just to try the bucket of beer or the infamous rave juice which is a plastic bag full of vodka, redbull and comes with your very own glowstick. You can also challenge others to wii battles and ipod wars (creating a playlist from your ipod to entertain those in line for the loos) if your south of the yarra, head along to 'loose thursdays' at cushion lounge in stkilda.its free entry, has dancin soul music of the 60's & 70s and $10 gets you a bottle of wine and a cheese and cracker platter. classy!



FRIDAY -Fashion Keyboard (189 lonsdale st cbd) is not the funnest place despite its free entry, cheap beer and jagerbombs.They often have special guests like art gallery owners and up and coming designers behind the decks. So its not a place to go dancing rather a place to stand around and get your photo taken. Despite being super pretencious i think the reason i have a grudge against the place is because the venue is an rnb superclub every other night . (although the other week miss shapes and bad teeth djs made a suprise apperance so the athmosphere improved dramatically) Look up in the streetpress when the next "us vs them" or "batman" nights are coming up then head to ROXANNE (coverlid pl china town) it takes ages to walk up that stairway in heels but those promoters sure know how to throw a party plus knowing that the scare and beach house are waiting for you up there - will motivate you to get buns of steel in no time.

SATURDAY - The newest additon to the the indie disco empire is the appropriately titled WOW! held at the same place as pogo but with more levels open($10 on a list). if you arrive early and have a smashing outfit (they often have dress up nights:)you get a wristband to the rooftop where the soccer mum and yacht club djs spin their disks and you dont need to wait in queues when the thousands of other scenesters arrive.

Black Night Crash (the rochester johnston st fitzroy) is like a portal to the most popular underground nightclub in camden. Knackered Converse plays the latest and greatest britpop to come out of london, they have space invader coffee tables and show the mighty boosh on projector screens -free entry & cheap drinks too!

If you like your tunes more rockin head to weekender at Ding Dong (Market lane & bourke st) They have the best band nights and your aloud to dance hypnotised to the shiny silver cutains till 7am. (after 12 am the ticket lady goes on a 4 hour smoke break so you can sneak in for free:) but if the clientelle dont have enough leather, 80's metal hair and tattoos to your liking venturing to ac/dc lane is worth your while.

SUNDAY =rest liver. If you must roll out of bed ,head to St.Jeromes (where the laneway festival began- @caledonian lane behind maccas) sit in an alleyway on a milkcrate drinking a longneck , looking at streetart and catching up with everyones weekend shenanigans.

No matter what night it is everyone ends up at PONY (little collins st/exhibition) or Revolver (chapel st) -which plays dance music 24hours a day its VERY seedy and they let anyone in so proceed with caution. I would also recomend going to The Croft Insitute if you like the sound of drinking tequila out of test tubes, sterile environments and hospital beds conviently placed in the toilets. Its very hard to find if your a muggle i mean non-local ,so this is the only place i will escort you to. Expatriate also filmed their "crazy" filmclip here.

SHOPPING.

As we are Australia's fashion capital there are plenty of pamphlets out there telling you where to shop and too numerous to mention factory outlet tours that are a waste of money. I say get on any tram into the city and literarly get lost. Its always fun to discover a cool boutique down an alleyway you swear wasnt there a minute ago.If your addicted to oppshopping and need a new outfit to stand out from the crowd here are some places to pin point on your map.

Retrostar -the largest vintage clothing store in australia is bound to give you a clothesgasm .overpriced? yes . but you get a free lollypop on entry and next door is full of everyband tshirt imaginable -you can even make your own!(nicholas building swanston st)

Fat Helens - is run by a crazy old lady who collects teapots and old playboy issues but also has a keen eye for sourcing 80's party dresses around the world. (near windsor station)

Lost & Found Market (smith st collingwood) dont let the name fool you, inside isnt a stall selling missplaced scalves and books left behind on metlink, its a 60's treasure trove!

You know in horror movies when they are about to die and say "hush now go to your happy place children?" well Chapel Bizzare is my happy place. (chapel st prahran)maybe its all the bright colours but the place is a cross between the coolest things you could ever imagine to find in a $2 shop of another era and a museum. it is chock a block full of vintage dresses , kitch furniture, quirky assesories and so much weird stuff that is so utterly useless in the most wonderful way.

Camberwell Markets - Melbourne's biggest art & craft market, many sell bric a brac out of their car boots not to mention 300 + stalls dedicated to clothes and random jewelry.also grab some one-off pieces from the minds of textile students and somedays you can catch local bands selling their entire stage wardrobe to fund their tours like young & restless did last month.


A shopping trip wouldnt be complete with out a trip to SAVERS it is a magical land the size of a football field that is full of second hand clothes.The owners dont realise some of the pieces they stock are what i would spend my rent money bidding on ebay but here you can get cool shoes & dresses starting from $3. On september 15th they are having another 50% off sale that many camp out for. I always feel like im scamming them for getting clothes this cheap and feel bad caz the proceeds go towards diabettes research but it evens out caz i buy bags of the stuff. I wouldnt bother going to the one in Brunswick as all the indie kids have picked its carcuss dry so there is less "vintage" and more "dead peoples clothes nobody wants". So venturing out to the sticks like footscray and preston is worthwhile or if your not afraid of bogans and dont mind the 2hour train trip, Frankston savers is where you will find the gems and its 3 levels.

As your on holiday why not find some quality music thats not on limewire for a change? Support these local record stores and help musicans buy some more guitar pics.

Missing link - (405 bourke st -in between elizabeth& Colins st cbd) The eddy current supression ring instore performance at this basement was suprisingly one of my best gigs of the year.

Rare Records( 82 acland st Stkilda ) if you find yourself pigging out on the best cake shops in the planet on acland st, burn off some calories walking upstairs and browsing for hours at this store - if theres a particular autograph, band poster or deleted single your after they can help you find it asap.

Off The Hip (basement of 383 flinders ln CBD) specialises in aussie rocknroll, powerpop and garage. place to go if your radio birdman vinyl is scratched!

Greville st Records (in between prahran train station and chapel st) No other record store compares. quite small but ive seen Tim Rogers, The Black Keys, Nick Cave and members of Rocket Science browsing the racks.

Dixons Recyled-(brunswick st & chapel st) you know how industry people and streetpress reviewers get tons of promo cds every month? well as soon as they have listened to them they sell them here.

EATS
Melbourne cuisine isnt just swanky resturants and 24hour hungry jacks. If you are feeling peckish but spent all your money from activities above , you dont have to starve!

The Rochester Castle (johnston st fitzroy) sells the best pub grub hands down and all meals are twice the size of your head.

Bimbos if your walking down brunswick st and see a giant plastic baby figurine -enter. Inside you will find the yummiest $4 pizzas and 10 different flavour infused vodka they make on the premises. Plus they stop serving dinner at 2.30am!

As i was not born in Melbourne i too find it quite strange how so many locals sit around really really close together and sip coffee. Walk down any laneway in the city and you will see hundreds of people doing just that at all hours every day of the week -dont these people have jobs?! if you want to experience this head to degraves st for the best lattes, boutique cupcake shops and all day greasy breakfast.

50's diner soda pop - (257 torak rd south yarra) I took kate nash here for lunch and she got so excited about the tabletop jukeboxes and kitsch 50's booths she ate 2 & a half (aka mine) $10 rockin robin burgers. They also do dr.pepper spiders, chilli fries and sell big red, hersheys kisses and resses pieces.

Shanghai dumplings- is a melbounre insitution. For the best chinese food in town follow the trail of uni students down tattersalls lane.Its open till 10pm so get there early because you will order seconds and thirds as its just so scrumptious and cheap. you can get a plate of dumplings (12) with noodles and soup for around $5 and most main meals are around $10. Ive eatten there a few thousand times and never gotten food poisoning. If its your first time there tell them its your bday - they bring out a tape recorder and blast the chinese birthday song at your table -funtimes!

Incase your not a tightarse, i would recommend spending your last night by booking a table at "little blue" resturant . Its located right at the end of st.kilda pier and over looks the harbour .Its very swanky without the price tag and the food has won alot of awards and stuff - which can only be a good thing.Get there before dark you can eat a meal fit for a king whilst the sun sets on the water and afterwards watch the thousands of penguins hop along the pier. as tempting as it is to take one home to live in your bathtub. please respect the wildlife.

have a great holiday!